How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult [According to a Therapist]
Takeaway: You can develop a secure attachment style—even if your past relationships have left you feeling anxious, shut down, or unsure of yourself. In this post, I’ll walk you through the exact steps that are based on attachment theory I use with clients to help them feel safer, more connected, and more confident in relationships.
When Alex came to therapy, he described feeling "too needy" in some relationships and "too distant" in others. He craved connection but didn't know how to develop a secure attachment style. Over time, we uncovered that Alex was struggling with an insecure attachment style - a pattern that had shaped his close relationships since childhood.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist with experience helping adults navigate relationships, trauma, and emotional regulation. There are four main attachment styles typically thought of in attachment theory that most people fall into depending on their childhood experiences and relationships. Through my work, I help people build secure attachment in adulthood and improve their mental health, even if early life was filled with inconsistency, fear, or emotional neglect.
In this blog, you'll learn how to recognize your attachment style and take practical steps toward creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, change is possible. We'll walk through tailored strategies for each style so you can begin healing and developing more security from the inside out.
Can you develop a secure attachment style as an adult?
Yes, you can develop a secure attachment style as an adult.
While early childhood experiences, especially those with our primary caregiver, shape our initial attachment styles, change is possible through self-awareness, healthy relationships, and intentional effort. If you’ve ever wondered why certain patterns keep showing up in your relationships, it can be incredibly helpful to understand how people with an insecure attachment tend to exhibit certain behaviors. Our attachment style starts taking shape early in life, based on how our caregivers responded to us—especially when we were upset, scared, or needed comfort. When a caregiver is consistent, emotionally present, and responsive, secure attachment develops, and the child grows up feeling safe to trust others and explore the world. These securely attached children tend to feel more confident and connected in relationships as they grow. But when that care is unpredictable, distant, or overwhelming, it can lead to insecure attachment, where kids may learn to hide their needs, cling tightly to others, or feel unsure about where they stand. Over time, these early experiences can show up as insecure attachment behaviors in adult relationships too—maybe feeling anxious in love, fearing abandonment, or struggling to open up. Exploring your early experiences and attachment security in therapy can be a powerful place to start.
As adults, we can learn to trust, communicate openly, and manage emotions in a balanced way. This growth often begins by understanding our current attachment patterns - whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized - and how they affect our relationships. Therapy, especially approaches like attachment-based or cognitive-behavioral therapy, can help reframe negative beliefs and build emotional resilience. Supportive relationships with friends, partners, or mentors also play a key role in healing and forming secure bonds. Over time, with consistency and care, it's possible to shift toward a more secure attachment style, leading to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
How to build a secure attachment style in adulthood
Building a secure attachment style in adulthood starts with awareness and intentional change. While it may take time, anyone can begin moving toward more secure attachment style with the right tools and support. Below, you'll find simple, tailored tips to help people with different insecure attachment styles - whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized - begin developing healthier, more secure connections.
If you struggle with anxious attachment…
Anxious attachment style often shows up as fear of abandonment, overthinking, or a constant need for reassurance in relationships. You may find yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed or becoming clingy when you fear disconnection. The good news? With self-awareness and practice, you can start to shift toward secure attachment. Here are a few strategies that can help:
1- Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
How to do it: When you feel anxious after a delayed text or a disagreement, pause before reacting. Practice taking a few deep breaths, journaling your thoughts, or repeating calming affirmations. These mindfulness techniques can also be helpful in romantic relationships during emotionally heightened conversations.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Self-soothing helps reduce emotional reactivity and builds your ability to manage anxiety without relying entirely on others for reassurance.
2- Set Boundaries with Reassurance-Seeking
How to do it: Instead of texting your partner repeatedly for validation, set a rule for yourself, like waiting 30 minutes before reaching out again and do something for yourself like going for a walk, listening to music, or spending time with friends. Using that time to check in with your needs can give you positive self esteem and be calming.
Why this helps for your attachment style: This creates space for self-reflection and reduces the anxiety-driven urge to seek constant external comfort, which over time can lead to more balanced, secure interactions.
3- Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
How to do it: If your partner is quiet or busy, instead of assuming they're upset or pulling away, ask yourself, "What else could be true?" Write down more neutral or positive explanations for their behavior. By expressing your feelings openly through journaling you can understand your emotions effectively and create healthy adult relationships.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Anxious attachment often stems from assuming the worst. Reframing your thoughts teaches your brain to tolerate uncertainty without panic.
4- Build a Stronger Sense of Self
How to do it: Spend regular time doing activities you enjoy on your own - whether that's going for a walk, pursuing a hobby, and reflecting on what core values are most important to you. Celebrate small wins that support your growth.
Why this helps for your attachment style: A secure attachment begins with knowing and valuing yourself. Strengthening your self-worth reduces the fear of losing others and fosters healthier, more interdependent future relationships.
If you struggle with avoidant attachment…
Avoidant attachment often shows up as discomfort with emotional closeness, a strong desire for independence, and difficulty with physical contact or expressing vulnerability. You might downplay your needs or pull away when someone gets too close when you really want to feel secure. While these patterns may have protected you in the past, they can limit intimacy and connection in adult relationships. Here are a few strategies to help you build secure attachment while honoring your need for space:
1- Identify and Name Your Emotions
How to do it: When you feel the urge to withdraw or shut down, pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Use a journal or emotion wheel to help clarify your inner experience.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Avoidant types often suppress emotions. Naming them helps you reconnect with yourself and makes it easier to share with others.
2- Take Small Risks in Vulnerability
How to do it: Share a small personal thought or feeling with someone you trust, like mentioning that you had a stressful day or that you're nervous about an upcoming event.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Vulnerability strengthens emotional bonds. Practicing it in low-stakes situations helps build trust and tolerance for intimacy over time.
3- Stay Present During Emotional Moments
How to do it: If someone expresses emotion—like sadness or frustration—resist the urge to fix it or leave the conversation. Instead, try active listening: nod, make eye contact, and offer a validating comment.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Avoidants often feel overwhelmed by emotion (their own or others’). Staying present teaches your nervous system that emotional closeness is not dangerous.
With small, consistent steps, you can learn to embrace connection without losing your independence - and that's the foundation of secure attachment style and mutual respect.
If you struggle with disorganized attachment…
Disorganized attachment style can feel confusing and painful. You may crave closeness but fear it at the same time, leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships. This style often stems from early experiences where caregivers were a source of both comfort and fear. Healing starts with developing safety within yourself and learning to trust others slowly. Here are strategies to help you move toward secure attachment.
1- Increase Emotional Awareness
How to do it: Start a daily check-in practice where you pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Use a feelings chart or journal to name and track your emotions throughout the day.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Disorganized attachment often involves emotional confusion or shutdown. Naming emotions builds clarity and creates a foundation for self-regulation and healthy connection.
2- Establish Consistent Routines
How to do it: Create predictable daily habits like waking up, eating, and exercising at the same times, or implementing a short mindfulness routine before bed.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Consistency provides a sense of internal safety. When the outside world feels unstable, routine helps ground you and builds trust in predictability—something disorganized attachment often lacks.
3- Explore Your Story in Therapy
How to do it: Work with a therapist to explore early relational experiences, trauma, and attachment wounds. Therapists at Madison Square Psychotherapy have diverse experience in different therapeutic modalities like EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Couples Therapy, and Psychodynamic Theory.
Why this helps for your attachment style: Disorganized attachment is often rooted in trauma. Therapy provides a secure relationship where you can make sense of your past and build new patterns of trust and safety.
Healing from disorganized attachment is possible - and worth it. With patience and support, you can build relationships that feel safe, connected, and a deeper awareness of your partner's feelings.
Not sure what your attachment style is?
Taking a quick attachment style quiz can help you identify your patterns in relationships and increase relationship satisfaction within your adult relationships.
In general, anxious attachment style involves a fear of abandonment and a strong need for closeness. Avoidant attachment style individuals tend to value independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. Disorganized attachment often combines both anxious and avoidant traits, leading to confusion or unpredictability in relationships. Secure attachment is marked by trust, open communication, comfort with closeness and independence, and maintain stable relationships. You can start cultivating happier, healthier relationships regardless of which attachment style you have with the support of therapy.
When to consider therapy for developing secure attachment in adulthood
While self-help tools and relationship exercises can be powerful, they're not a substitute for professional support. Therapy at Madison Square Psychotherapy can provide a safe, guided space to unpack deep-rooted patterns and develop a secure attachment style more effectively. Understanding adult attachment styles looks different for everyone, through the attachment process you can develop emotional awareness, gain personal growth, and better your intimate relationships.
You might consider seeing a therapist if you notice:
Difficulty trusting others, even in close relationships
Discomfort with emotional closeness or vulnerability
Struggling with emotional regulation
Persistent fear of rejection or abandonment
A pattern of unstable or intense relationships
Feeling stuck in the same painful relational cycles
Anxiety or depression linked to relationship struggles
If any of these signs resonate with you, getting support from a mental health professional can help you explore their roots and build healthier, more secure ways of connecting. There are different ways to develop secure attachment patterns and healthy boundaries so you feel confident to communicate effectively within your adult relationships. You don't have to navigate this journey alone - support is available, and healing is possible.
Final thoughts
As we've explored, developing secure attachment behaviors in adulthood is entirely possible. With self-awareness, supportive relationships, and -when needed- professional help, anyone can move toward deeper, healthier connections, and feel more securely attached. We covered what attachment styles are, how to identify your own, and practical steps to begin healing, whether on your own or with support.
As a psychotherapist, I've helped many clients with fostering secure attachment, create meaningful connections, and promote their emotional regulation. One client I worked with felt they didn't have emotional availability and struggled with honest communication. Over time, we explored childhood experiences, practiced new communication tools, and build trust through consistent emotional support. Today, they navigate relationships with strengthened self esteem, effective communication, and emotional intimacy - proof that lasting change is possible.
If you're ready to start your own journey toward secure attachment, I'd be honored to support you as you understand your own emotions and develop strong emotional connections. I specialize in helping adults build stronger, more connected lives through compassionate, evidence-based therapy. Please feel free to book a free 30 minute consultation by clicking here to get the support you need and learn how to develop healthy coping mechanisms for stable relationships you want.
